Listening

Last weeks lesson was on listening. I was so very excited about this class because it is something that I strive to be excellent at when coaching, and really good at in life. As with everything, one can always use more training. I immediately got out my book from coaching class, that I've read over and over again. Quickly I turned to chapter 3, Listening. I love this book because every time I read it, I get something new. The very first few sentence struck me so hard in the perspective of grief.

"To be listened to is a striking experience, partly because it is so rare. When another person is totally with you-leaning in, interested in every word, eager to empathize-you feel known and understood. People open up when they know they're really being listened to; they expand; they have more presence. They feel safer and more secure as well, and trust grows."

This seems like such a small request, and yet, most of us do not know how. Keep reading if you would like to move past mediocre listening.

Level 1-Internal Listening

At level one listening the conversation is one sided. The person is talking, and we are in our heads holding our breath and anxious to make a statement about what we are hearing. How we feel about it and what we would do about it, or what advice we have. (Really leaves the person who is talking right out of it.) Very frustrating for someone who needs to be heard. (Level one listening is for the talker, not the listener).

Level 2-Focused Listening

This kind of listening is highly focused on the person talking. (Kind of like reading a good book, hanging on every word). Your body language is showing your attention, your eyes and ears are on full alert. Hearing what is said, how it is said, and even what is not said. You can feel their energy and you help them by reflecting back what they have said and what you have heard and seen in the body language of their conversation.

Level 3-Global Listening

"When you listen at Level 3, you listen as though you and the client were at the center of the universe, receiving information from every where at once. (...) Level III includes everything you can observe with your senses: what you see, hear, smell and feel-the tactile as well as the emotional sensations."

Our Grief instructor talked about becoming an investigator when dealing with grief. Listen to everyone. Family dynamics are different in every family and they are what they are and they are not like yours. At this time in their lives they are not wanting to be taught or to change the dynamics. Some will be able to talk openly and some won't. It is not our job to change them. They want to be heard also. Our focus is mainly on the patient, their lifestyle and their choices.

So the greatest gift you can give to a dying person or a person in grief is yourself. (I've got plenty of that).

The book that I so boldly took advantage of is:

Co-Active Coaching, by Laura Whitworth, Karen Kimsey-House, Henry Kimsey-House and Phillip Sandahl