I write today with a head full of words that I hope I can display in a way that makes as much sense to you as it does to me.
I am finished with my Grief Training at Hospice and while I have been awaiting my finger print card to come from DES, I have been reading every book I can on grief. Currently I am reading "Grieving Mindfully" by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D. This book is taking a long time for me to read because I am chewing on every word. It is beautiful, absolutely beautiful and speaks to my heart with every sentence.
This past week my Grandpa (Poppy) who is just shy of 90 years old has let us know on no uncertain terms that he is done. He has had a cascade of problems in the last two months that have rendered him paralyzed with pain. We as a family, with his guidance have made the choice for Hospice. Even though we know that this is the right decision it is very difficult to not panic. I found this out when I co-signed the papers for Hospice. I felt a deep sense of "O God, am I doing the right thing?" (I didn't have that feeling when my mom was just signing). My Poppy had been sedated (finally) before the conversation about Hospice was started. He was sound asleep and making smiles on his face as we signed the papers. After we were done, I kneeled by his bed and he opened his eyes, put his hand on my cheek and said so sweetly, "You'll be okay honey, this is a crazy life we live. One minute you are here, the next you are gone." Then he asked if we would all be there with him? I assured him, because that is what my family does. The past two days have been so emotionally hard. He was in a rehab with so much pain one day and the next in a nursing home so sedated he can't speak. I am not a fan of either, this morning we meet with the doctor about getting him something in between and moving him to either a group home with hospice or an inpatient hospice house.
Let me tell you about this Giant of a man, (who only weighs 110 pounds now). He was born is 1922, in Holyoke, Colorado. Worked hard on the family farm until going into the war, married my Granny and was married for 65 years before she died almost 4 years ago. Up until the time she died he walked up to 4 miles a day, lived in a house, cared for my Granny, still drove quit well and cooked and cleaned. This man has taught me everything about what is good, honest and kind. He has had more integrity than any other man I've known. I feel as though it is my Privilege to care for him in the same way as he now enters the last journey of his life.
Back to the book. What we are all experiencing is Anticipatory Grief. I am learning how to be mindful here. Yes, its coming, but not today. Today I sit with him and love and comfort him. Keep my mind and heart on the here and now. When emotion comes up, I will let it flow and heal my pain. I don't want to be swept away and miss today.
An insert from the book:
"You may feel as though you have only two choices, either to be swept up by the intensity of your grief or to shield yourself from the pain. Paradoxically, it is often when you try to resist intense emotions that they linger, and even hurt more deeply when they inevitable surface."
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