The Gratitude Part

The Gratitude Part

     Today I sit to write about gratitude something I only half understood a week ago, and I am filled with joy.

     I thought that gratitude was being thankful for all the goodness we have been given in this life.  Turns out you can be thankful for all of the things you perceive as not so good too!

     I joined a group on facebook called 40 Miracles, 40 days. We had to buy the book, "Make Miracles in Forty Days," by Melody Beattie.  Read it and be on a group call Saturday morning with coach Mai.  My friend D told me the group was wonderful and she had done the last round, so good that in fact she was joining in for the next round.  We were given a random partner and told to write in our journals things that we wanted that felt out of reach and out of control for us.  Then every morning when we awaken we are to write for 10 minutes on what we feel grateful for.  I mean everything.  The hardest for me to understand was feeling grateful for the negatives.  So I have been doing this for 9 days now.  I can not believe how differently I feel.  I was not even aware of some of the feelings I had about things.  The greatest part is that I send my email every day to my partner and she only sends back love.  No judgements, no fixing.  Pure, honest love.  You make no comments on the others words, you read it, feel it and send back love.  It is beautiful.  I won't lie, the realization that I had so many "not feel good things" to write has shaken me to the core. But, good for me........  I am a person who tells everyone to "get it out, or you'll get a cancer" I encourage people to open their souls and let it out, cry, whatever they need.  But, I was not doing it myself.  Not on purpose mind you.  I thought I had it under control.  I think I was so worried about being judged or fixed that I was gonna handle it my self.  (After all, I am a life coach).  Well, Im here to tell you, this is worth it.  I can not imagine how I am gonna feel after 40 days.  My inspiration for writing is coming at an incredible speed now.  One of my miracle wishes is that I can get clear with my grief work.  With all of the clutter I have been getting out, I feel open to inspiration and my mind IS clear.  Feels like a miracle already.  How do any of us function with all of that stuff in our heads?  Little stuff, big stuff, annoyances, petty to important.  It all adds up!  Changes who we are, who we are becoming.  Yey!!

     

"You may feel as though you

 have only two choices, either 

to be swept up by the 

intensity of your grief or to 

shield yourself from the pain. 

Paradoxically, it is often when 

you try to resist intense 

emotions that they linger, and 

even hurt more deeply when 

they inevitable surface."

"Great Spirit Prayer"

"Great Spirit Prayer"

Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever 

behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made 

and my ears sharp to hear your voice.  

Make me wise so that I may understand

the things you have taught my people.

Help me to remain calm and strong in the 

face of all that comes towards me.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden

in every leaf and rock.

Help me seek pure thoughts and act with the 

intention of helping others.

Help me find compassion without empathy

overwhelming me.

I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother,

but to fight my greatest enemy - Myself.

Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands

and straight eyes.

So when life fades, as the fading sunset,

my spirit may come to you without shame.

"May you always walk in Beauty."

Who Is Rico?

                                


Rico is my friend.  He is 67 years old.  I have known him since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  I remember him as a friend of my Mothers.  He was tall, Italian, handsome.  He had a rough sense of humor.  (In which he acted rough and tough, but was really being funny)  He taught me how to do the dance "The Hustle" in my living room.  I thought he was so cool.  Wore his shirt unbuttoned and some kind of jewelry hanging down.  He used cool words.  He was always there on Saturday mornings having coffee with my mom.  I thought he was a professional photographer, (he did construction), he had a lot of camera equipment and a large chest of photographs that he had taken of many beautiful women.  He would pick me up from school in his red Corvette and take me to different places to shoot pictures of me for my mom.  I told everyone he was my photographer and that I was a model.

(Pictures Rico took)

 

I felt special around him.  Not really with words, (because most of them were teasing me about something), but with his presence.  Rico seemed to be, "an always in the back ground of my life" kind of friend.  Someone I secretly wanted my mom to marry.  Showing up at all important times.  He came for my Wedding almost 20 years ago and took pictures.  He played a big joke on us with a fake trip to Tahiti as a gift.


About 6 years ago he came to Phoenix for a visit at Halloween time, he hadn't met my children yet and he spent Halloween on our driveway with us.  I really loved this visit. As he and my mom, brothers, husband, kids and I sat around my kitchen table I got to know more about this man than I had known. Like, he has a very big sentimental heart.  He told a story about his crucifix that his Grandmother had given him when he was young.  He had carried it in his pocket his entire life, including two tours of duty,   For some reason this story touched my heart and I told him that "I wanted that someday."  I am not Catholic and I only wanted it because it was so close to his heart.  When he left town on that visit, I took him to the airport and then next day when I was reaching up to my rear view mirror to get my badge for work, I notice the crucifix hanging there.  I cried for almost a week about it before I could call to thank him.

                  (Halloween, I'm a Pirate)

 Rico is a NO emotion kind of guy.  I am a ALL emotion kind of girl.  We have become increasingly close since that visit.  I couldn't for the life of me understand why he would give that to me, but I was honored.  He needed a daughter and I needed a father.  He has taken on the role of my father and our relationship has grown.



About a year and a half ago Rico was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.  I knew his time was short and I decided that I wanted to be by there by his side as he died.  Be who he needed me to be.  Listen and comfort.  Talk about the hard things.  We began to talk daily whether he was at home in Pittsburgh or in the hospital.   He has been gallantly fighting cancer with everything he has.  In March they told him, "no more."


He came to Phoenix in May of 2012 for my 50th birthday, he spent a lot of time with my brother and I teaching us everything he knows about tools and woodworking.  I went to Pittsburgh last week (August) spent 4 days with him.  Listening to all of his stories.  About childhood, adulthood, the wars, the women, relationships and what he values. I feel as though he was leaving me a legacy.

He is in constant pain now, but refuses to take enough medicine to get him out of pain because he can't focus on what he wants.  He has too much to do.  We went thru every box in his house (which is many), trying to decide where everything is going.  We went to his family reunion and I met his entire loving family as he gave away things that are important to him.  He is proud, impatient, a do it now attitude, stubborn, sarcastic, cynical, hard working, bossy, tough guy, funny, kind, selfless, sentimental, a lover of art, a lover of beauty, traveler, lover of disco, soldier, son, brother, uncle, husband, friend and MY father!

I asked him today what was his most proud moment?  He said, "I honestly have never thought about it."  I asked what is his biggest disappointment?  He said, "getting cancer."  Then he got all choked up and told me that he used to be sad that all of his friends who were married and had children in the war were dying, he felt guilty.  He wasn't married and had no children.  "It should have been me," he said.  Then he finished by saying, "Well, now I know my proudest moment, having a daughter"
I am sad that I can not be with him while he is dying, I want to be holding his hand, so grateful that I got so much of his time in the last few years.  A great lesson has been taught to me about the gifts that are received when you are selfless.  (which, I am not sure I was really selfless, I was getting something out of it for sure) Giving always gives back two-fold.  I think I needed him more than he needed me.

Unfinished Business

Why these words keep coming up in my head as I think of grief in general and the grief I am experiencing, I won't judge.

For me the unfinished business I am experiencing with my grandfathers death is about serving him, honoring him and making sure that his things are with people that cherish them. And, my pain.

We all met to clean out the house and gather things that meant something to us. We all understood each others needs and shared graciously of he and my grandmothers most loved items. Something strange came over me as I wandered thru their house. Seemed everything was sentimental to me from the love letters all the way down to the bottles of cinnamon in the pantry. I didn't want anything left behind. My cousin and I split a pair of his cowboy boots, it seems a desperate attempt to hold on to him.

I wanted to serve him until the very end. I held on to his every breath. In the last hours of his life he was honored as a hero. His service was beautiful, complete with words from family, military honors and tears. As they opened the wall where he was to be placed right next to my grandmother it suddenly hit me that I am again mourning the loss of my grandmother as well. The couple I looked up to for guidance on marriage and forgiveness. Thank you Dear ones for all of these gifts.

I am not done grieving my grandfather, and this may sound crazy to some, but I don't want to be done yet. I don't want to be rescued, made to feel better, told 20 things that I don't believe in. I know that everyone has the same goal. To ease the pain and make me smile, (for that I am appreciative). I am missing a very important man in my life, that pain will not go with out "healing time". I have decided that this is totally an inside job, to be worked out by me and only me. The words that have been a comfort to me have not been words. Eye to eye listening without judgement or no comment have been the best, not caring in which manner my mood was as I let MY feelings fall out of my mouth. Not stopping the flow of tears with a kleenex or a comment, like "he's in a better place" or, "He was 90, you kind of expected this, didn't you?" These kind of comments are for the dead. I know these comments are well meant, but obvious. It is ME now that is in pain, not him. Pain needs to be witnessed. One friend told me, "Terri, stay with your tears" That spoke volumes to me. I felt like it gave me permission to grieve. I didn't think I needed permission, but I am surprised at the pain and I thought it would be easier for me and I have been standing in judgement of myself. After all, I coach people on grief. I should be better at this. Nope!!

This whole experience has got me wondering just who the hell I think I am to want to help grievers. I am not sure that I have any idea of the magnitude of pain that people feel. Every person deals with grief differently. There are a million reasons why one feels as they do. It is a personal journey that needs to be heard and held. It needs zero "judgements" and zero "shoulds". I will change some actions, that is for sure. I know this is a learning process for me.

To all of you with well wishes, I thank you for your kind thoughts.

Grief Visited

Grief – Visited

Today I am finally able to sit with my Grandpa. We are awaiting a transport ambulance to take him to a group home closer to our homes. He is finally comfortable and the heaviness in my heart has been eased by his calmness. They have his bed lowered to the ground and I sit with my head on his chest knowing that these are the last minutes I have to hear his heartbeat and to tell him how much I love him, and to thank him for all he is. In my mind I am constructing a quilt of gratitude to wrap him in for his travels. Thank you my wonderful, kind Poppy for loving me unconditionally all these years. Thank you for teaching me the power of touch. (It was you who taught me about the back rub, and savings at the same time. One quarter per back rub) .Thank you for making sure that I never touched a cigarette, thank you for being the example of what a great dad and husband is. Thank you for teaching me about Integrity, do the right thing even when nobody is looking . (I think it keeps your soul clean). Thank you for teaching me how to drive and for helping me purchase my first car. Thank you for giving me advice on boys. (Always pick a boy that doesn’t drive crazy, he’ll drive you less crazy too. Always pick a boy who loves his mom unconditionally, he’ll love you unconditionally too). I am so glad that no matter how crazy my teen years got I always was able to hear his voice. I did pick that boy. He was very proud of that and told me over and over the past few years as his memory was going how proud he was of my marriage. I have heard the stories from my other family member on how he has told them similar stories. No matter what was going on in the past few years my Grandpa said over and over again how proud he was of his family.

My need here is to make sure that one of us or all of us are with him in his last moments, sitting vigil by his bed side to usher him to the gates of heaven, into the arms of my Granny. To hold his hand, cradle his heart and drape him tightly in love. After all, he has been there for us during every important event in our lives.

Oh and a very important side note: My Poppy is being honored today at 7:30pm by a Colonel from the Army. He served in World War II, the battle of Normandy and he didn’t receive his Bronze Metal of Honor for Heroism, so tonight he gets that. He is a Hero in the eyes of his family, he always has been, and that is for sure.

Grief Visited

Today is Jan 2, 2012

I write today with a head full of words that I hope I can display in a way that makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

I am finished with my Grief Training at Hospice and while I have been awaiting my finger print card to come from DES, I have been reading every book I can on grief. Currently I am reading "Grieving Mindfully" by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D. This book is taking a long time for me to read because I am chewing on every word. It is beautiful, absolutely beautiful and speaks to my heart with every sentence.

This past week my Grandpa (Poppy) who is just shy of 90 years old has let us know on no uncertain terms that he is done. He has had a cascade of problems in the last two months that have rendered him paralyzed with pain. We as a family, with his guidance have made the choice for Hospice. Even though we know that this is the right decision it is very difficult to not panic. I found this out when I co-signed the papers for Hospice. I felt a deep sense of "O God, am I doing the right thing?" (I didn't have that feeling when my mom was just signing). My Poppy had been sedated (finally) before the conversation about Hospice was started. He was sound asleep and making smiles on his face as we signed the papers. After we were done, I kneeled by his bed and he opened his eyes, put his hand on my cheek and said so sweetly, "You'll be okay honey, this is a crazy life we live. One minute you are here, the next you are gone." Then he asked if we would all be there with him? I assured him, because that is what my family does. The past two days have been so emotionally hard. He was in a rehab with so much pain one day and the next in a nursing home so sedated he can't speak. I am not a fan of either, this morning we meet with the doctor about getting him something in between and moving him to either a group home with hospice or an inpatient hospice house.

Let me tell you about this Giant of a man, (who only weighs 110 pounds now). He was born is 1922, in Holyoke, Colorado. Worked hard on the family farm until going into the war, married my Granny and was married for 65 years before she died almost 4 years ago. Up until the time she died he walked up to 4 miles a day, lived in a house, cared for my Granny, still drove quit well and cooked and cleaned. This man has taught me everything about what is good, honest and kind. He has had more integrity than any other man I've known. I feel as though it is my Privilege to care for him in the same way as he now enters the last journey of his life.

Back to the book. What we are all experiencing is Anticipatory Grief. I am learning how to be mindful here. Yes, its coming, but not today. Today I sit with him and love and comfort him. Keep my mind and heart on the here and now. When emotion comes up, I will let it flow and heal my pain. I don't want to be swept away and miss today.

An insert from the book:

"You may feel as though you have only two choices, either to be swept up by the intensity of your grief or to shield yourself from the pain. Paradoxically, it is often when you try to resist intense emotions that they linger, and even hurt more deeply when they inevitable surface."