Listening

Last weeks lesson was on listening. I was so very excited about this class because it is something that I strive to be excellent at when coaching, and really good at in life. As with everything, one can always use more training. I immediately got out my book from coaching class, that I've read over and over again. Quickly I turned to chapter 3, Listening. I love this book because every time I read it, I get something new. The very first few sentence struck me so hard in the perspective of grief.

"To be listened to is a striking experience, partly because it is so rare. When another person is totally with you-leaning in, interested in every word, eager to empathize-you feel known and understood. People open up when they know they're really being listened to; they expand; they have more presence. They feel safer and more secure as well, and trust grows."

This seems like such a small request, and yet, most of us do not know how. Keep reading if you would like to move past mediocre listening.

Level 1-Internal Listening

At level one listening the conversation is one sided. The person is talking, and we are in our heads holding our breath and anxious to make a statement about what we are hearing. How we feel about it and what we would do about it, or what advice we have. (Really leaves the person who is talking right out of it.) Very frustrating for someone who needs to be heard. (Level one listening is for the talker, not the listener).

Level 2-Focused Listening

This kind of listening is highly focused on the person talking. (Kind of like reading a good book, hanging on every word). Your body language is showing your attention, your eyes and ears are on full alert. Hearing what is said, how it is said, and even what is not said. You can feel their energy and you help them by reflecting back what they have said and what you have heard and seen in the body language of their conversation.

Level 3-Global Listening

"When you listen at Level 3, you listen as though you and the client were at the center of the universe, receiving information from every where at once. (...) Level III includes everything you can observe with your senses: what you see, hear, smell and feel-the tactile as well as the emotional sensations."

Our Grief instructor talked about becoming an investigator when dealing with grief. Listen to everyone. Family dynamics are different in every family and they are what they are and they are not like yours. At this time in their lives they are not wanting to be taught or to change the dynamics. Some will be able to talk openly and some won't. It is not our job to change them. They want to be heard also. Our focus is mainly on the patient, their lifestyle and their choices.

So the greatest gift you can give to a dying person or a person in grief is yourself. (I've got plenty of that).

The book that I so boldly took advantage of is:

Co-Active Coaching, by Laura Whitworth, Karen Kimsey-House, Henry Kimsey-House and Phillip Sandahl

David's Beautiful Transition

Hey Terri:

My plan was to not do it at all, never let him leave, but that was selfish, just because I didn’t want my husband to physically leave me.  On Monday he said: “I’m not going to die today."   This gave me & the family time to prepare for what we always knew was coming but still was a surprise.   Dave always did things on his time – it was all about Dave.  

Before we come to this Earth we are Spirits, and in the sky world the Creator gives us instructions in language so we can identify ourselves, our Spirit.  We are free looking for our parents, for it is us that choose our parents, our lovers, our life’s path how we live and how we die.  An agreement made with Creator. 

On that morning I chose to help him on his journey surrounding him with the people that had become his family, members of the staff that for the last 5 years helped both of us survive and live as best a quality of life that we could.  For at that point his agreement with Creator had reached its end and it was time to return to the Spirit World where he now lives again with his parents; and among all our relations.  At his head I placed his 3 Eagle feathers from his head dress worn for ceremony used by the Haudenosaunee identifying him to his relations as a Mohawk . (the other  5 members of the Confederacy have a different # of feathers).  I placed corn pollen on his eyes, his throat and heart so he can speak, see and feel clearly.  The blue corn placed all around his body is used to help on his journey and keep him fed and nourished as he makes that trip.  We burned tobacco that was placed in a bowl after being held by the family in the room, asking them to pray for his journey that it be peaceful and his reception will be grand and that his physical pain is relieved and he will be rewarded for his path here in the physical.  The smoke from the tobacco burning will carry the messages and prayers of the people to Creator.  It was also mixed in the bowl with other sacred herbs. This tobacco was from his bag that he used for his prayers grown locally on his reserve.  Dave used to sing traditional social songs with a travelling troupe of friends from his home reserve of Ahkwasasne Mohawks, these songs are played using a water drum and rattle.   I played some his favorites, mostly Stomp Dances.   Dave’s Mohawk name that he chose was Skanewati, “means two sides of the hide”.  How you see things.  ( I guess he chose that because he didn’t have two sides of his heart…. Hmmm.. ) Anyway, he was wrapped in the quilt that his mother had made especially for him, as she had made quilts for all her children.  These to keep him warm and with his moccasins to show respect to where he walks.  Here on mother earth our moccasins are decorated because as we walk upon her it is the first thing of us she sees and we want her to know that we respect her showing her the beauty of us. 

I think I did okay and helped him make that transition back with support and comfort and understanding that even though I miss him so much that it was all about him that day, his journey his ability to again live happy and whole with Creator.

To all our relations,  aho.

I asked Lizz to write this beautiful story of Dave's passing so that I will forever remember the sacred way in which she honored him.  I felt incredibly gifted to be a part of this ceremony, it was powerful at the least, the drums beating loudly in the back ground signified to me his beating heart, and when the music stopped Dave had gone.  

In what way do we honor our loved ones?  What is it that you will do for them in their final wishes?

Physical Caring

Tonight I sat on the floor and watched a beautiful video from a woman who has worked in Hospice for over 20 years.  Her view on dying was so amazing that it touched me to the core.  She stated "10 out of 10 of us are gonna die."  She spoke with such kindness and compassion about dying and some things she said were exactly what I feel.  (which again, leads me to this service)  She spoke of the olden days when we had generations in the home and people died in the home, one generation after another taking care of the dying.  Showing the rest of us how to die.  She talked about all of the symptoms that people can face when they are dying, pain being the big one that is most feared.  Most people that get Hospice involved in their care admit that they waited to long.  They thought that they needed to get their life lived and things done before "committing" to dying.  When actually, the hospice focus is on alleviating the annoying, distracting, and sometimes debilitating symptoms that accompany the dying process.  They want to enhance your life so that you can live out what is left with comfort and peace.  Uncontrolled physical symptoms can also produce an inordinate amount of fear in the patient.  This fear often creates a state of increased tension that exacerbates pain, restlessness, nausea and other symptoms, which in turn causes more fear.  It can be a vicious cycle with no end in sight without intervention from health care workers.

So other things that the dying experience is restlessness, pain, nausea, vomiting, shortness of breath, fear, anxiety, loss, grief.  One thing I learned was that not all dying people have physical pain.  Wow, I thought everyone had physical pain, unless they were medicated.  Emotional pain is another story.

With all of this said about the dying person, I can't help but put all of this to the person left behind also.  I can't think of one person left behind who did not have pain.  Emotional pain.  That is where I want to serve.

There are as many ways to volunteer for Hospice as there are people.  Tonight I learned that I can use my coaching, hypnotherapy, massage and listening skills.  I am so excited to start and make a difference in the last moments of peoples lives and to the families left behind.

People dye as they lived.  "What does that mean," you may ask.  Think about it.........we will come back to this one.

October 3, 2011 Privilege

Introductions and stories were first, then around the room we went to tell why?  Why did I want to be a Hospice Volunteer?  My answer was vague......"It's a calling."  I received a few strange looks, or so it seemed.  I went on to say that my entire life has been a path to here. I always find my self in situations of grief.  I am a health care worker with a very compassionate soul.  I am comfortable there.  The messier and more emotional the better.  I have often felt strange about the feelings that emerge in me when I am in these situations.  I would not call myself a religious person, but very spiritual.  When a person dies I feel the need to make the room sacred and to honor the person who has died, if only in my own mind and heart.  The hospital is very sterile and sometimes not conducive to a spiritual moment.  But, I have found my perfect hospital to work, the place where my gift is accepted and supported by many warm and endearing co-workers.  I feel an unsurmountable amount of privilege to be a part of something so sacred, to be a presence in someone's last journey.  I know that volunteering at Hospice will allow me to learn and to practice my craft.  I want to be there to help with unsettled emotions.  I want to support the dying and also support the living with the dying.  I feel like dying has become so taboo in our culture now, I want to bring it back to a normal part of living.  Grief is a job so differently carried out for each and every person.  I am not just talking about grief with death, but the grief that we carry around with us our entire lives.  That grief that we give little attention to, but it really rules our life.  I can sense that pain in a lot of people, I can sense them needing to find a way out.  I want to guide you on a way back in.  Into your heart where your emotion lives.   We were all given tools for grief at birth, it has just been up to us to find them.  Our culture has made it easy for us to hide.  "Be positive, don't cry, be strong."  All of these statements help us hide.  


During the first class it became so unbelievably clear to me what I am here for.


Enough ranting....tonight is night 2, Physical Caring.  

Honoring Emotions

“Think Positively." How often have we heard this, and what does it mean? In the life of a person/family living with grief of any kind, there is a lot of talk on thinking positively. I wonder… do we lock away the real feelings in hopes that the good feelings will take over? Do we think that if we do not speak of these hard emotions that they will simply go away? What sometimes happens here is a pretty face with a whole lot of unprocessed pain behind it. Then at the most inopportune time the real emotion rears its ugly head and comes out as anger, depression and despair. It feels like nobody really knows us. How would it be if we were able to honor each emotion in full as it arises? Can we not allow ourselves to experience our lives without guilt? We have been given this human body to have human experiences. This includes all of our feelings, even the so-called “negative” ones. There are some horrific things that we go through in life and so many times, we bury the emotion and try to be positive. Can we not honor that emotion and sit in the fire with what is hard? To truly be positive, we are learning that honoring the emotion, slowing down to see what is going on inside helps you go deeper into the experience, when you go deeper you are able to move through it instead of around it. Then you can choose to focus on what you really want, and how you want to deal honestly with what is happening. It enables you to see what the positive can be. This puts more choice and more control in your life.

A note on fixing: We all want the people in our lives to feel good and to be happy. By habit we say things like…”don’t feel that way”, “why do you feel this way”, and “it is time to get over it”. Another habit is giving unwanted advice. Please, only give advice when requested, at other times just lend a compassionate ear. Having a non-judgmental heart sit in the experience with us and listen … it is the most intimate, healing and rewarding sentiment. Essentially, this is where the real “fix” comes in.

Outing Myself

I am starting this blog today to out myself to the world about my undying passion for working with grief. Monday I start my hospice training. I am so looking forward to more tools for helping people live and work their way through grief. I am going to post an old writing on here first. It will explain my feelings for anyone interested in knowing me and my inner thoughts.