Unfinished Business

Why these words keep coming up in my head as I think of grief in general and the grief I am experiencing, I won't judge.

For me the unfinished business I am experiencing with my grandfathers death is about serving him, honoring him and making sure that his things are with people that cherish them. And, my pain.

We all met to clean out the house and gather things that meant something to us. We all understood each others needs and shared graciously of he and my grandmothers most loved items. Something strange came over me as I wandered thru their house. Seemed everything was sentimental to me from the love letters all the way down to the bottles of cinnamon in the pantry. I didn't want anything left behind. My cousin and I split a pair of his cowboy boots, it seems a desperate attempt to hold on to him.

I wanted to serve him until the very end. I held on to his every breath. In the last hours of his life he was honored as a hero. His service was beautiful, complete with words from family, military honors and tears. As they opened the wall where he was to be placed right next to my grandmother it suddenly hit me that I am again mourning the loss of my grandmother as well. The couple I looked up to for guidance on marriage and forgiveness. Thank you Dear ones for all of these gifts.

I am not done grieving my grandfather, and this may sound crazy to some, but I don't want to be done yet. I don't want to be rescued, made to feel better, told 20 things that I don't believe in. I know that everyone has the same goal. To ease the pain and make me smile, (for that I am appreciative). I am missing a very important man in my life, that pain will not go with out "healing time". I have decided that this is totally an inside job, to be worked out by me and only me. The words that have been a comfort to me have not been words. Eye to eye listening without judgement or no comment have been the best, not caring in which manner my mood was as I let MY feelings fall out of my mouth. Not stopping the flow of tears with a kleenex or a comment, like "he's in a better place" or, "He was 90, you kind of expected this, didn't you?" These kind of comments are for the dead. I know these comments are well meant, but obvious. It is ME now that is in pain, not him. Pain needs to be witnessed. One friend told me, "Terri, stay with your tears" That spoke volumes to me. I felt like it gave me permission to grieve. I didn't think I needed permission, but I am surprised at the pain and I thought it would be easier for me and I have been standing in judgement of myself. After all, I coach people on grief. I should be better at this. Nope!!

This whole experience has got me wondering just who the hell I think I am to want to help grievers. I am not sure that I have any idea of the magnitude of pain that people feel. Every person deals with grief differently. There are a million reasons why one feels as they do. It is a personal journey that needs to be heard and held. It needs zero "judgements" and zero "shoulds". I will change some actions, that is for sure. I know this is a learning process for me.

To all of you with well wishes, I thank you for your kind thoughts.

Grief Visited

Grief – Visited

Today I am finally able to sit with my Grandpa. We are awaiting a transport ambulance to take him to a group home closer to our homes. He is finally comfortable and the heaviness in my heart has been eased by his calmness. They have his bed lowered to the ground and I sit with my head on his chest knowing that these are the last minutes I have to hear his heartbeat and to tell him how much I love him, and to thank him for all he is. In my mind I am constructing a quilt of gratitude to wrap him in for his travels. Thank you my wonderful, kind Poppy for loving me unconditionally all these years. Thank you for teaching me the power of touch. (It was you who taught me about the back rub, and savings at the same time. One quarter per back rub) .Thank you for making sure that I never touched a cigarette, thank you for being the example of what a great dad and husband is. Thank you for teaching me about Integrity, do the right thing even when nobody is looking . (I think it keeps your soul clean). Thank you for teaching me how to drive and for helping me purchase my first car. Thank you for giving me advice on boys. (Always pick a boy that doesn’t drive crazy, he’ll drive you less crazy too. Always pick a boy who loves his mom unconditionally, he’ll love you unconditionally too). I am so glad that no matter how crazy my teen years got I always was able to hear his voice. I did pick that boy. He was very proud of that and told me over and over the past few years as his memory was going how proud he was of my marriage. I have heard the stories from my other family member on how he has told them similar stories. No matter what was going on in the past few years my Grandpa said over and over again how proud he was of his family.

My need here is to make sure that one of us or all of us are with him in his last moments, sitting vigil by his bed side to usher him to the gates of heaven, into the arms of my Granny. To hold his hand, cradle his heart and drape him tightly in love. After all, he has been there for us during every important event in our lives.

Oh and a very important side note: My Poppy is being honored today at 7:30pm by a Colonel from the Army. He served in World War II, the battle of Normandy and he didn’t receive his Bronze Metal of Honor for Heroism, so tonight he gets that. He is a Hero in the eyes of his family, he always has been, and that is for sure.

Grief Visited

Today is Jan 2, 2012

I write today with a head full of words that I hope I can display in a way that makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

I am finished with my Grief Training at Hospice and while I have been awaiting my finger print card to come from DES, I have been reading every book I can on grief. Currently I am reading "Grieving Mindfully" by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D. This book is taking a long time for me to read because I am chewing on every word. It is beautiful, absolutely beautiful and speaks to my heart with every sentence.

This past week my Grandpa (Poppy) who is just shy of 90 years old has let us know on no uncertain terms that he is done. He has had a cascade of problems in the last two months that have rendered him paralyzed with pain. We as a family, with his guidance have made the choice for Hospice. Even though we know that this is the right decision it is very difficult to not panic. I found this out when I co-signed the papers for Hospice. I felt a deep sense of "O God, am I doing the right thing?" (I didn't have that feeling when my mom was just signing). My Poppy had been sedated (finally) before the conversation about Hospice was started. He was sound asleep and making smiles on his face as we signed the papers. After we were done, I kneeled by his bed and he opened his eyes, put his hand on my cheek and said so sweetly, "You'll be okay honey, this is a crazy life we live. One minute you are here, the next you are gone." Then he asked if we would all be there with him? I assured him, because that is what my family does. The past two days have been so emotionally hard. He was in a rehab with so much pain one day and the next in a nursing home so sedated he can't speak. I am not a fan of either, this morning we meet with the doctor about getting him something in between and moving him to either a group home with hospice or an inpatient hospice house.

Let me tell you about this Giant of a man, (who only weighs 110 pounds now). He was born is 1922, in Holyoke, Colorado. Worked hard on the family farm until going into the war, married my Granny and was married for 65 years before she died almost 4 years ago. Up until the time she died he walked up to 4 miles a day, lived in a house, cared for my Granny, still drove quit well and cooked and cleaned. This man has taught me everything about what is good, honest and kind. He has had more integrity than any other man I've known. I feel as though it is my Privilege to care for him in the same way as he now enters the last journey of his life.

Back to the book. What we are all experiencing is Anticipatory Grief. I am learning how to be mindful here. Yes, its coming, but not today. Today I sit with him and love and comfort him. Keep my mind and heart on the here and now. When emotion comes up, I will let it flow and heal my pain. I don't want to be swept away and miss today.

An insert from the book:

"You may feel as though you have only two choices, either to be swept up by the intensity of your grief or to shield yourself from the pain. Paradoxically, it is often when you try to resist intense emotions that they linger, and even hurt more deeply when they inevitable surface."