Saturday, September 2, 2017

Meet the Doulas - Terri

     My mission is to connect with love, inspire connection, heal hearts, guide love and forgiveness, discover and preserve legacy  and hold life as sacred for the dying and their families.
     For the next year I will be doing as much volunteer work as possible.  I will be asking important questions, listening to what your heart is telling me and speaking truthfully from my heart and most of all learning.  Learning how to care completely for the dying and their families.  Listening to what you have been through and what has and has not worked.  Listening to what you need.  Listening to hearts and souls who have lived a full life of love and loss.
     Please be a part of my journey. 

My Vigil Plan

Good Morning,

     To better understand what we mean by a Vigil Plan Laurel and I are writing ours to give ideas of how beautiful your last moments, days or weeks could be.  Please know that this is a work in progress.  It will change as I change.
      Let me start by telling you some truth, I didn't think that this assignment would be difficult for me in class.  I was wrong.  It completely caught me off guard when the instructor said, "you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness and you have two months to live, write about it!"  Well, yikes......I wasn't planning on going that fast.  I had always had this thought in my head that I would die when I was late 90's.  I have longevity in my family.  I actually became a little panicked, "My house is a mess, there is furniture every where, we have lots of people in there.  My daughters are fighting, my children don't know what their plans are.  Mike would fall apart. I can't die now, I will have zero peace."   I am now imagining that that was what I was supposed to feel, just like if it were real.  Just like most of the people I will care for.  I had to sit in quiet for a moment to settle down my brain.
     So, here it is; I want to die at home, surrounded by the people who love me.  Before coming into my room, I want my visitors to spend a moment and remember times we spent together and hold these memories as sacred.  I want them to write me a message on a heart shaped paper, this message could include any and all communication needed before I go. Any unfinished business or messages of love.  Let your heart be free.  When they step into my room I want them to notice the peace and love, hang the heart shaped paper on a line that the Doulas will hang in my room.  I want my bed in the center of a warm room, where a warm breeze will gently blow my sheer white curtains.  I want to hear the sounds of nature from my windows, also a soundtrack with nature sounds and all other songs that have filled my heart.  Jenn will be in charge of the sound track.  She knows the music that touches my heart.  I would like a cardboard casket in the room with paint and markers for my family to decorate.  Please take black and white pictures when family members are laughing and celebrating me.  I want my husband with me as much as possible and as much as he wants to be.  The Doulas will be watching him to make sure he is getting enough alone time with me.  Please allow him whatever space and love he needs.  Everybody else as they want to be also, with no obligations only what is in their hearts.  Please let my dogs lie beside me as they wish.  I would like guided meditation to help me remember my life and to let go of my body.  Also, if you notice any stress in the room.  Doulas can help with this.  Family can be involved if they wish.  I want to smell coconut and vanilla candles burning around the clock.  My family and friends can massage my arms and legs with coconut lotion.  Please not the bottom of my feet.  I would like a hand picture taken in black and white with family. As my death becomes imminent I would like Mike to lie behind me and hold my body and soul like he has done our entire marriage.  I can't think of any better way to take my last breath.  After death, I would like my body washed and clothed in whatever I have chosen.   Place my body in the casket for transport for cremation.  I want my ashes to be saved until Mike goes, then part of them in the hole of the 9th green at Superstition Springs Golf Course where we said our vows. Kids can decide what to do with the rest.  I would like the heart shaped messages and whatever else put into a book of remembrance for my family.  My children will need love, Mike will need love.  My family will need love.  Please let this be my legacy.  Love them.
 

The Gratitude Part

The Gratitude Part

     Today I sit to write about gratitude something I only half understood a week ago, and I am filled with joy.

     I thought that gratitude was being thankful for all the goodness we have been given in this life.  Turns out you can be thankful for all of the things you perceive as not so good too!

     I joined a group on facebook called 40 Miracles, 40 days. We had to buy the book, "Make Miracles in Forty Days," by Melody Beattie.  Read it and be on a group call Saturday morning with coach Mai.  My friend D told me the group was wonderful and she had done the last round, so good that in fact she was joining in for the next round.  We were given a random partner and told to write in our journals things that we wanted that felt out of reach and out of control for us.  Then every morning when we awaken we are to write for 10 minutes on what we feel grateful for.  I mean everything.  The hardest for me to understand was feeling grateful for the negatives.  So I have been doing this for 9 days now.  I can not believe how differently I feel.  I was not even aware of some of the feelings I had about things.  The greatest part is that I send my email every day to my partner and she only sends back love.  No judgements, no fixing.  Pure, honest love.  You make no comments on the others words, you read it, feel it and send back love.  It is beautiful.  I won't lie, the realization that I had so many "not feel good things" to write has shaken me to the core. But, good for me........  I am a person who tells everyone to "get it out, or you'll get a cancer" I encourage people to open their souls and let it out, cry, whatever they need.  But, I was not doing it myself.  Not on purpose mind you.  I thought I had it under control.  I think I was so worried about being judged or fixed that I was gonna handle it my self.  (After all, I am a life coach).  Well, Im here to tell you, this is worth it.  I can not imagine how I am gonna feel after 40 days.  My inspiration for writing is coming at an incredible speed now.  One of my miracle wishes is that I can get clear with my grief work.  With all of the clutter I have been getting out, I feel open to inspiration and my mind IS clear.  Feels like a miracle already.  How do any of us function with all of that stuff in our heads?  Little stuff, big stuff, annoyances, petty to important.  It all adds up!  Changes who we are, who we are becoming.  Yey!!

     

"You may feel as though you

 have only two choices, either 

to be swept up by the 

intensity of your grief or to 

shield yourself from the pain. 

Paradoxically, it is often when 

you try to resist intense 

emotions that they linger, and 

even hurt more deeply when 

they inevitable surface."

"Great Spirit Prayer"

"Great Spirit Prayer"

Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever 

behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made 

and my ears sharp to hear your voice.  

Make me wise so that I may understand

the things you have taught my people.

Help me to remain calm and strong in the 

face of all that comes towards me.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden

in every leaf and rock.

Help me seek pure thoughts and act with the 

intention of helping others.

Help me find compassion without empathy

overwhelming me.

I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother,

but to fight my greatest enemy - Myself.

Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands

and straight eyes.

So when life fades, as the fading sunset,

my spirit may come to you without shame.

"May you always walk in Beauty."

Who Is Rico?

                                


Rico is my friend.  He is 67 years old.  I have known him since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  I remember him as a friend of my Mothers.  He was tall, Italian, handsome.  He had a rough sense of humor.  (In which he acted rough and tough, but was really being funny)  He taught me how to do the dance "The Hustle" in my living room.  I thought he was so cool.  Wore his shirt unbuttoned and some kind of jewelry hanging down.  He used cool words.  He was always there on Saturday mornings having coffee with my mom.  I thought he was a professional photographer, (he did construction), he had a lot of camera equipment and a large chest of photographs that he had taken of many beautiful women.  He would pick me up from school in his red Corvette and take me to different places to shoot pictures of me for my mom.  I told everyone he was my photographer and that I was a model.

(Pictures Rico took)

 

I felt special around him.  Not really with words, (because most of them were teasing me about something), but with his presence.  Rico seemed to be, "an always in the back ground of my life" kind of friend.  Someone I secretly wanted my mom to marry.  Showing up at all important times.  He came for my Wedding almost 20 years ago and took pictures.  He played a big joke on us with a fake trip to Tahiti as a gift.


About 6 years ago he came to Phoenix for a visit at Halloween time, he hadn't met my children yet and he spent Halloween on our driveway with us.  I really loved this visit. As he and my mom, brothers, husband, kids and I sat around my kitchen table I got to know more about this man than I had known. Like, he has a very big sentimental heart.  He told a story about his crucifix that his Grandmother had given him when he was young.  He had carried it in his pocket his entire life, including two tours of duty,   For some reason this story touched my heart and I told him that "I wanted that someday."  I am not Catholic and I only wanted it because it was so close to his heart.  When he left town on that visit, I took him to the airport and then next day when I was reaching up to my rear view mirror to get my badge for work, I notice the crucifix hanging there.  I cried for almost a week about it before I could call to thank him.

                  (Halloween, I'm a Pirate)

 Rico is a NO emotion kind of guy.  I am a ALL emotion kind of girl.  We have become increasingly close since that visit.  I couldn't for the life of me understand why he would give that to me, but I was honored.  He needed a daughter and I needed a father.  He has taken on the role of my father and our relationship has grown.



About a year and a half ago Rico was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.  I knew his time was short and I decided that I wanted to be by there by his side as he died.  Be who he needed me to be.  Listen and comfort.  Talk about the hard things.  We began to talk daily whether he was at home in Pittsburgh or in the hospital.   He has been gallantly fighting cancer with everything he has.  In March they told him, "no more."


He came to Phoenix in May of 2012 for my 50th birthday, he spent a lot of time with my brother and I teaching us everything he knows about tools and woodworking.  I went to Pittsburgh last week (August) spent 4 days with him.  Listening to all of his stories.  About childhood, adulthood, the wars, the women, relationships and what he values. I feel as though he was leaving me a legacy.

He is in constant pain now, but refuses to take enough medicine to get him out of pain because he can't focus on what he wants.  He has too much to do.  We went thru every box in his house (which is many), trying to decide where everything is going.  We went to his family reunion and I met his entire loving family as he gave away things that are important to him.  He is proud, impatient, a do it now attitude, stubborn, sarcastic, cynical, hard working, bossy, tough guy, funny, kind, selfless, sentimental, a lover of art, a lover of beauty, traveler, lover of disco, soldier, son, brother, uncle, husband, friend and MY father!

I asked him today what was his most proud moment?  He said, "I honestly have never thought about it."  I asked what is his biggest disappointment?  He said, "getting cancer."  Then he got all choked up and told me that he used to be sad that all of his friends who were married and had children in the war were dying, he felt guilty.  He wasn't married and had no children.  "It should have been me," he said.  Then he finished by saying, "Well, now I know my proudest moment, having a daughter"
I am sad that I can not be with him while he is dying, I want to be holding his hand, so grateful that I got so much of his time in the last few years.  A great lesson has been taught to me about the gifts that are received when you are selfless.  (which, I am not sure I was really selfless, I was getting something out of it for sure) Giving always gives back two-fold.  I think I needed him more than he needed me.

Unfinished Business

Why these words keep coming up in my head as I think of grief in general and the grief I am experiencing, I won't judge.

For me the unfinished business I am experiencing with my grandfathers death is about serving him, honoring him and making sure that his things are with people that cherish them. And, my pain.

We all met to clean out the house and gather things that meant something to us. We all understood each others needs and shared graciously of he and my grandmothers most loved items. Something strange came over me as I wandered thru their house. Seemed everything was sentimental to me from the love letters all the way down to the bottles of cinnamon in the pantry. I didn't want anything left behind. My cousin and I split a pair of his cowboy boots, it seems a desperate attempt to hold on to him.

I wanted to serve him until the very end. I held on to his every breath. In the last hours of his life he was honored as a hero. His service was beautiful, complete with words from family, military honors and tears. As they opened the wall where he was to be placed right next to my grandmother it suddenly hit me that I am again mourning the loss of my grandmother as well. The couple I looked up to for guidance on marriage and forgiveness. Thank you Dear ones for all of these gifts.

I am not done grieving my grandfather, and this may sound crazy to some, but I don't want to be done yet. I don't want to be rescued, made to feel better, told 20 things that I don't believe in. I know that everyone has the same goal. To ease the pain and make me smile, (for that I am appreciative). I am missing a very important man in my life, that pain will not go with out "healing time". I have decided that this is totally an inside job, to be worked out by me and only me. The words that have been a comfort to me have not been words. Eye to eye listening without judgement or no comment have been the best, not caring in which manner my mood was as I let MY feelings fall out of my mouth. Not stopping the flow of tears with a kleenex or a comment, like "he's in a better place" or, "He was 90, you kind of expected this, didn't you?" These kind of comments are for the dead. I know these comments are well meant, but obvious. It is ME now that is in pain, not him. Pain needs to be witnessed. One friend told me, "Terri, stay with your tears" That spoke volumes to me. I felt like it gave me permission to grieve. I didn't think I needed permission, but I am surprised at the pain and I thought it would be easier for me and I have been standing in judgement of myself. After all, I coach people on grief. I should be better at this. Nope!!

This whole experience has got me wondering just who the hell I think I am to want to help grievers. I am not sure that I have any idea of the magnitude of pain that people feel. Every person deals with grief differently. There are a million reasons why one feels as they do. It is a personal journey that needs to be heard and held. It needs zero "judgements" and zero "shoulds". I will change some actions, that is for sure. I know this is a learning process for me.

To all of you with well wishes, I thank you for your kind thoughts.